A Full Circle Realization

September 14 2021

As we evolve through the different phases of our life, from childhood, to school age, to college, to adulthood and finally to retirement, we move through situations that contribute to our path’s choices.

Positive experiences lead us to want to recreate those moments, and painful experiences lead us to reflect and move away from going through that pain again.

Going into survival mode when these times arise is normal and to be expected. Because although the world may feel like it is standing still during those times….it isn't. You are still expected to function in all other aspects of your life. Many times, you are pushing yourself to function ‘normally’ through a painful time in your life that makes you feel anything but normal. But you do it, because responsibilities in other areas of your life don't stand still.

The feeling is a disconnect. You are physically functioning and going through the motions but your mind is so preoccupied with the hurt, or the loss, that there is only a ghost of yourself that is present for others to see.

During challenging and painful moments in my life, I found myself being forgetful, disorientated, isolated, and simply lost. I walked into rooms and forgot why I was there, I drove to stores and after parking in the lot, had no recollection of the drive. I’d search the house for my reading glasses only to find I left them in the refrigerator, and I’d occasionally get ‘surprise’ gifts from Amazon because I had no recollection of ordering them. That part was kind of fun..:).

My brain was working independently from my body. But I had no one to help with my daily responsibilities so I pushed through and did the best I could. During times of severe heartache from loss of my husband and the alienation from my son, I didn't trust myself to go to a store and shop because if a song came through their sound system that had significant meaning to me it would reduce me to tears. There were times I just had to leave my cart in the aisle…still full of my shopping items, and go back to my car and sob.

As a child raised in an abusive home, when I was in desperate need of feeling safe, I always retreated to my room where my pet hamster, my dogs, my guinea pig, and a little red eared turtle named George, gave me the love and peace I needed. As an adult, in my job I was challenged often by rude, indignant people who conveniently made me the cause of all their issues, simply because I was a front line employee. I apologized for situations I had nothing to do with, and endured name calling and insults because that was part of my job.

On my days off I found myself feeling somewhat anti social and was most comfortable retreating to activities such as gardening and home decor, to allow the ‘quiet’ to return to my heart.

In retirement, I am finding myself repeating the same pattern of finding comfort in a more isolated environment. The sudden loss of my husband is a loss I will never fully recover from. The alienation from my son is something I never saw coming, but he has made his life’s choices and his behavior is something I no longer recognize. A new relationship with a woman took over his life, and she is clearly content to have less of me around. I couldn't function living 30 minutes away from my son and being completely ignored. We had been so close and shared a very special relationship, not without its challenges of course, but that bond got us through a lot of painful moments after my husband died. He was only 6 years old at the time, and circumstances pushed him to grow up faster than he should have had to…and I was pushed into playing both roles of mother and father. Looking back, I think we both did incredibly well as we navigated that loss. But when I suddenly was no longer invited to holidays, my phone calls were not being returned, and he moved to a new apartment with his new girlfriend and wouldn't even tell me where he was living…my heart broke and I had to leave. The alienation was too much to bear.

Moving to Idaho from California presented new challenges that I learned to overcome, but the broken heart will never fully heal. I am in a safer environment emotionally, but the price tag is high. There comes a time when you simply cannot go back. There comes a time when people have consistently shown you who they are, and you can no longer ignore the truth.

I have lived decades of my life, moved through tremendous challenges, celebrated numerous victories, and embraced the gifts of marriage, motherhood, entrepreneurship, and travel. I grew through the painful loss of a spouse, the loss of a son, the loss of my home and all I knew, and I’m still here.

What I find interesting is…as many times as my life has changed and evolved…I always defer to the same comfort I did as a child. Mother Natures 4 legged creatures. Whether it's a hamster, a dog, a deer, or a moose…..they heal my heart.

So it doesn't surprise me at all that my next adventure is taking me even further off the grid. Just moving from California to Idaho isn't enough anymore, because Idaho has doubled in size in just the 3 years I’ve been here. So I bought 10 acres of raw land to build my own ‘private Idaho’. Every home is ten acres away from each other, and yet…you still have neighbors, and getting into town for groceries and anything you could possibly need is only a 15 minute drive. Close enough to have access to everything you need…yet far enough away to drown out the noise and clutter.

Sometimes I worry that level of isolation is unhealthy. And then I look back on my life, and the majority of painful moments, and painful events, resulted from people I cared about and loved. I don't want that anymore. I don't want any more pain or heartache. My heart simply doesn't have the capacity to endure another break.

There is always that dream of prince charming riding up on his horse, but given the fact that the last ‘prince’ rode in on a donkey that I mistook for a white horse…..I’ve decided to keep that fairy tale right where it belongs….in a book that I can safely read, and then put back on the shelf.

To build a dream home on 10 acres of beautiful forested land with a stunning view of the lake, and more critters to spend my days with than I ever thought possible…is what my heart needs.

The treasured friendships I have built in Idaho are still just 15 minutes away, and my new neighbors have already proven to be welcoming and kind.

So…although I have lived a lifetime….seemingly having traveled everywhere, lived a variety of lifestyles from flight attendant, to wife, to mother, to widow, and even to spending years on the road with ‘the band’…..I have come full circle, and am heading right back to the quiet corner of the world that always brought me peace.

Animals don't judge you, gossip about you, lie to you, or break your heart. They see your heart and treat you accordingly. And when they see love….they simply love you back. And that’s all I can ask for.

But that's just my opinion..:)