Choose The Ones Who Inspire You

March 12 2021

As we move through life and encounter a mired of friends and acquaintances, some stay with us for a lifetime and some for only a short while.

People are often times brought into our lives simply to teach us a lesson. Sometimes they even repeat the behavior of a hard lesson NOT learned the first time around.

I’m learning as I meet new people, to pay attention to the message they bring with them, just as much as their personality or likability.

When I bought my new home, I learned that people will lie to you, deceive you, and laugh all the way to the bank with little to no remorse. Was I ignorant? No….just assumed the individuals representing me knew how to do their job. And we all know what ‘assuming’ does.

So I don't do that anymore. I had moved to a state where I thought all the people were as genuine as the sunsets, but I was reminded there are bad eggs everywhere.

I made many new friends when I moved here, and I found it interesting what type of person gravitated to me first. They were actually representations of past lessons NOT learned the first time. How they knew where to find me in this small corner of the world I’ll never know…but apparently I needed a refresher course in being more discerning in choosing who I spend my time with. Big personalities, big talkers, ….so big, in fact, I felt dwarfed by their loud voices and their desire to spend their evenings in bars drinking ….while the beautiful sunsets were taking place outside. At first glance, they seemed fun, and popular and they knew everybody….that is…everybody that worked in the bars and restaurants they frequented.

I love to go out to lunch or dinner and enjoy a glass of wine or a frosty margarita with my meal….but not 7 margaritas. The more they drank, the louder they got, and the more out of sorts I felt. Then I realized this was behavior I was very accustomed to in a previous relationship. So, as dysfunctional as it was….it was familiar. Right down to the dysfunctional boundaries. and passive aggressive control issues.

The mistake I made was listening to their opinions and judgements of others, and taking those judgements as fact rather than opinion. That, in turn, caused me to treat people differently than I might have done otherwise. They occupied so much of my energy I didn't take the time to allow other people into my life, so I didn't know the people they spoke of well enough to have formulated a different opinion. We’ve all done that. We’ve all misjudged people, and we've all leaned on the opinions of others to formulate our own.

When I separated myself from that toxic environment, I saw a familiar behavioral pattern that wasn't reflective of happy, fun, popular people….but empty, insecure, dysfunctional people.

And that is all too familiar to me. Once I severed those friendships, I felt the peace return and my anxiety level drop. At one point I bought a $450 sewing machine for a friend because they said they loved to sew and missed not having a machine. I surprised them with one…for no reason other than I wanted to. Months later, they confessed they didn't sew, and didn't really know why they lied about it. And after confessing that to me….they still kept the machine. Thats not a friend. But I needed to learn that lesson again.

Your body tells you whats good for you and what isn't. Pay attention to that. When something doesn't feel right…it isn't.

The beautiful ending to this lesson for me was….a very dear woman who I wrongfully judged because of someone else’s opinion, reached out to me, and I was given the gift of opportunity to apologize for misjudging her. We hugged it out, gabbed for several hours and when she left, I felt good. There was no gossipy mess, no victimizing behavior, …just a great woman who cared enough to initiate a fresh start in a friendship. That effort from her made me feel special, and valued, and I can only hope she felt the same.

Leave the messy people alone. Don't try to fix them, because they will drain you and wear down your heart. Let them say what they want to say, because you KNOW if they are gossiping about everybody else to you….they are gossiping about you to everybody else. Life is too short. Find the friends that treasure you, and treasure them back. I have since found so many wonderful friends, and that is because I made room for them, by deleting the toxic ones.

It has made the journey so much sweeter.

But thats just my opinion :)