Rescue Disguised As Rejection

February 8 2021

Nothing hurts more than a family divided. There are a mired of reasons families endure strife and heartache. There can be a divorce, the death of a spouse, drug or alcohol abuse, the loss of a mother or father, financial loss, and sometimes even homelessness.

The feelings associated with loss, regardless of what that loss is, can run from one end of the spectrum to the other. A loss of direction, feeling unworthy, anger, disbelief, and abandonment. It can be a heartache so fierce, it is a physical pain. You can feel your heart tearing, your tears come from a place so deep they take your breath away.

For me, it was suddenly feeling invisible to people I thought cherished me as much as I did them. And they didn’t.

It’s hard to imagine someone you have spent your life with, someone you have given your ‘all’ to, simply decide you no longer have value to them.

It has taken three years for me to emerge on the other side of such devastating pain.

It was a roller coaster of emotions, days of aimlessly wandering through the house not knowing what to do next, or where I belonged. There were dozens of things I could do….but nothing I wanted to do. There were days when all I would do is wake up, have my morning coffee, and play solitaire on the computer….for hours…..and hours…just waiting until it was time to make myself dinner, so I could go back to bed. I probably would have stayed in bed all day if I didn't have 2 pups waking me up in the morning to be fed and let out into the yard.

One afternoon while I was sitting on my deck playing solitaire on the computer, a little squirrel popped his head up from the staircase. It made me smile because it felt like he was checking up on me. He was such a refreshing change from the glare of the computer screen, I shut down my laptop and went over to sit on the staircase. He wouldn’t let me get too close….but he didn't leave either. Finally I had someone I could trust to tell my sad story to. I knew he wouldn’t blab to the neighbors or call my friends and gossip.

I named him Clifford. No reason…the name just made me laugh when I looked at him.

Now I had a new purpose. Wake up, have my morning coffee, feed the dogs, go find Clifford.

I quickly realized a handful of almonds bought me hours of therapy. And so it began.

He sat on my deck and stuffed his face with almonds while I tried to make sense of things. I cried, I asked rhetorical questions, and told him how lucky he was to have such a simple life. He would pause between bites to appear as though he was processing my words. He seemed to be humoring me, and I appreciated his efforts.

He kept coming back to visit so I had a little house made for him, and also a little saloon to sit at on the deck while I rambled on and on.

Without intension, I realized one day that I hadn’t played solitaire for weeks.

And without intension..I realized I looked forward to waking up rather than begrudging it.

Nothing that had happened in the past was going to change. It is cemented in stone. But I DID have the ability to change everything moving forward. I began the process of rediscovery. I could finally hear myself think and my opinions began to hold value. I no longer had to withstand the contentious scorn I had become accustomed to. I finally had a safe place to move forward from.

I learned something so valuable during that time on my journey.

Often times when we feel like we have been rejected…..we have, in fact, been rescued.

And without question I can tell you, on the path to rediscovery, every day is a gift.

Even if it costs a couple hundred bucks in almonds. :)

Give it time, and just show up.

Show up every day.

And know that the simplest of days can very well bring you the most clarity.

But thats just my opinion :)