The Journey To Authenticity

September 28 2021

When I was younger and overly absorbed with what people thought of me, what they said to others, and how they treated me differently to my face as opposed to when I was absent…’fluff friends’ as I called them….really got under my skin.

I despise deceitful people, and phony facades…but in my youth I tolerated them because I was raised by a mother who mastered the art of gaslighting. From a very early age I learned to tolerate ‘mixed signals’. A person that acted like they cared but was verbally aggressive from time to time was acceptable. A friend who jumped in and out of my life when it was convenient for them was still given respect because I made excuses for their behavior so I could justify their presence. Why? Because the fear of abandonment was greater than the hurtful behavior they displayed.

Being raised by a gaslighting parent, I lived in constant fear of abandonment, because ‘love’ was always held over my head like a prize I had to earn. But make no mistake, the game is insidious and you never win. You are always left feeling like you should have tried harder.

It wasn't until I completely severed the relationship with my mother that I saw the behavior for what it is.

She stopped at nothing to make me pay for my audacious decision to move away from her. She didn't appreciate being ‘cut off.’ so she employed the assistance of others. People close to me….people I loved. Gaslighters train their sights on these people because they know they are the ones who can cut your heart to the depth they crave. She played the victim, and portrayed me as the aggressor and the heartless, selfish, insensitive one. Never mind that she knew for nine months I was moving out of state and never made one attempt to call me, contact me or mend the relationship. She garnered the empathy she craved from other family members, and they, in turn, came after me on her behalf….didn’t see that coming.

I initially thought it would be best to respectfully leave other family members out of my blog posts…but after years of being treated so horribly I came to the conclusion they don't deserve my respect anymore. No one should have to tolerate the cruel behavior I did. And it wasn't for a month or two, or even a year or two…it was for almost four years. Enough is enough.

Even my own son who witnessed first hand the consistently abusive behavior from my mother, admonished me and shamed me for ‘causing pain to so many people’ in our family when I moved away. He himself had learned the art of gaslighting and didn't even realize it. And sadly, there is no reasoning or compromise with someone using gaslighting tactics. Your reaction is the problem. Every. Single. Time.

It's never their behavior....its always yours.

To those who are mothers themselves…imagine how much pain you would have to be in to leave your only child behind. Regardless of the fact that my son was 25 years old when I left, he is my son. He is the only living proof my late husband ever existed in my life.

The lowest of the low is a mother who plays her grandson against his own mother to satisfy her intense need to inflict pain and control. Combine this with a new girlfriend in the mix who has her own basket of insecurities and selfish agendas….and you’ve got yourself one hot mess of a family.

People make their own decisions and although you may not like those decisions or support those decisions….you have a choice to make. You weigh out the positives and the negatives and you ultimately decide for yourself what is best for you. The person may be a priceless gift to your heart, but their behavior can be equally destructive. I used to be ok with that behavior.…I’m not anymore. A persons title is nothing to me. Their behavior is everything to me.

We aren't promised a perfect life full of love and laughter. We aren't even promised a life past the very minute you are reading this.

As I grow into the next chapter of my life surrounded with all the choices I have made, I no longer have tolerance for ‘fluff friends’. Once you make the decision to cut the toxicity out of your life….you cant just cut one or two people out, and tolerate the rest. Because your level of self respect rises with each passing day you prove to yourself you are worthy. I don't have abandonment issues anymore because I took control of my life, and left on my own. I believed in myself enough to leave. I believed in my value as a person and my capability as a single woman to make a new life. I would rather have 5 friends that I deeply treasure, and who treasure me in return, than dozens of friends I tolerate.

Because any given minute can be my last.

If you are reading this I hope you know how valuable you are. How unique you are. And I hope you know anything you dream of can be achieved…but not without the conviction that you are already…. everything you need.

But that’s just my opinion. :)